I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Maybe it’s because i’ve recently spent some time on my own that i’ve been greeted with some personal realizations. One of them, is that my insecurities get the best of me. Once you’ve been so heartbroken you can’t breathe, and can’t eat for days, it’s almost as if you live with that looming fear above your head that you’ll feel it again, even when it’s been a while.
So when I feel your hands in mine, and maybe you hesitate a second too long to say what I need you to, I feel that same fear, the beginnings of that same heartbreak working up the back of my throat. I get scared, so scared that I won’t be enough for you. Even though you’ve done nothing to ever imply that, I live in fear for the day that you’ll wake up and not want me anymore.
When i’m with you, I know that you would never leave me, and when I feel you next to me, I know that you love me just as much as I love you … but it’s those isolated moments, like when I wake up in the middle of the night, and I remember how many nights I cried myself to sleep over you that I start to feel that again.
Heartbreak is a scary thing.
Mostly because once you’ve experienced it, you’re never the same person you were previous to it. Everything seems different, and your guards go up a little higher. Initially, you wander into love with an open heart and innocent mind, and now you’re always guarded, always afraid of feeling that same thing.
I don’t want you to break my heart ever again.
I can only hope that you won’t.
If you do, it’s inevitable. But I hope, and maybe it’s false hope, that I can live happily with you for a long, long time without ever feeling heartbreak, but the logical side of me questions this, knowing that nothing lasts forever, and maybe it’s only a matter of time until i’m that same crumpled mess.