PERSONAL SHEI: “I Am Not Crazy!” Diary Of A Bipolar Menace

“I’m a 17 year old male, turning 18 in a few weeks (here we go with more fan-mail, I thought, rolling my eyes) and I’m a short-term struggler of bipolar II disorder but haven had problems for a little over 8months now, my symptoms have been severe and the stigma making things worse, leaves questions of whether or not to tell people around me what I’m dealing with. I think I’m almost at breaking point, it’s too much to bear, I don’t know how much more I can take.”

*Sigh* Worry and Confusion, coupled with my unstable state of mind, I replied immediately; “Hey! Are you ok? I just read your email and you don’t sound so good. I only know you as a dedicated fan of my blog but I’m here and I care. How are you feeling? PLEASE I am here if you ever need to talk”. I was practically on the ledge myself, but I know better than anyone how helpless this person was feeling.

Sitting in front of my laptop at 7:51am, delusional, hoping I’d eventually get some sleep before seeing my psychiatrist later that morning, he messaged back ; “I feel like sh**.., i can’t figure out my thoughts and i am not on my meds anymore”

“Why are you not on your medication? Did you stop taking them or what? have you spoken or seen someone professionally about this?” I sent back to him. It felt like hours, the urge to sleep was overtaken by the need to help, then the diary of a bipolar teen arrived as his reply.

“I decided to seek help because I was hearing voices and seeing people who were not there. Finding it difficult to distinguish what was real and what was not. I told my parents and they decided i go to church and see our Pastor,you know seek divine help, hoping I was still in shock over a nightmare. After about a week my moods became weird, this minute I am sad, depressed and the next minute I am energized, happy and doing things unconsciously. I took it upon myself to go see my GP, when I explained to her, she diagnosed and assessed me then put me on Lexapro (Anti-depressants) also she referred me to the mental health department for more therapeutic support but when I got home, I couldn’t explain to my parents because I know how paranoid they get and they are typical Africans. A week went by and I just needed to talk to someone who could share my burden or at least listen to me, so I confided in my mom. Really bad move, she flipped got my dad and made me abandon my meds mostly because they deemed it to meds for Schizophrenia. Parents, their assessment says it’s a thing of the mind, clear your head and let God do the rest.”

I was on the verge of a mood-trapeze, his emails weren’t making it any better. I was feeling his pain and shuffling the emotions within. (Bipolar Sucks By The Way!) His issues hit way too close to home for me, I’m Nigerian born, CT USA & Lagos bred. I did not start talking about my health until early this year for fear being of stigmatized, especially as I am media personality stuck under the public eye and I only identify with the disorder occasionally on twitter to create awareness about Bipolar Disorder.

According to National Institutes of Health, “Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The “mood swings” between mania and depression can be very quick. Bipolar disorder affects men and women equally. It usually starts between ages 15 to 25. The exact cause is unknown”

I was first diagnosed with BP back in 2008 when I was just starting off college, after my diagnosis I fled and avoided hospitals much as I could. I couldn’t accept it, I’d heard so many stories about BP, I didn’t want to be tagged a ‘Freak’ so I told myself “Hell No! I just have mood swings, everybody has that jor!” By mid-2010 though, I was done running from the problem that was already driving me up the wall, with incessant happy/sad mood swings, being unable to concentrate on anything, memory loss, eating problems, losing interest in things I loved, loss of self-esteem, excessive drinking, no sleep, uncontrollable addiction to any substance that would make me sleep, isolation from everyone and several suicide attempts, I knew I needed help.

I went back to my doctor and explained it all, forced myself through the assessment tests verbally and psychological assessment and just prepared myself for the truth. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder II which is hypomania (More of depression yet mild hyperactivities). Medication started for me as I was placed on Lamotrigin (Mood stabilizer), Prozac (Anti-Depressant), Zopiclone (Sleeping Pill) which I took religiously accompanied by therapy.

After a year of near-normalcy, I felt good enough to stop taking my medication,in the meantime though, I had not told my family or friends anything about my problems, they only knew I was asthmatic and I preferred to leave it at that, then I had a major relapse or crisis, I locked myself in the bathroom after downing 7 lexotan and 20 piriton tablets.

I began cutting my right hand with a blade and had it not been for a split-second of sanity,I may never have lived to recount this tale. I managed to call for help and NHS Direct came to my aid, calming me down enough to await the ambulance. I got into the A&E, was stabilized by the mental health team and after two days of treatment and observation, I was out of there with my medication back in the game.

The only person I could talk to was my close friend Bassey, who is a bipolar patient as well. She said to me; “Can you connect me with the friend of yours that is very understanding?” (given that she is in the US and I had moved to the UK about a year ago, to study) ”I want to be able to see how you are but I don’t want you to feel the need to update me or anyone if you’re not up to it”, she added.

Read the rest of this entry »

Filed Under: Personal Shei, Thoughts